Malfunction.

Hello, am I a malfunction?

I find myself pulling back every time I get close to someone. I’ve watched YouTube videos or read articles or posts on Quora. I really wanted to know the answer. I still do. They say people like me are insecure of something. I don’t know what that something is exactly. 

I can’t open up to people. But I can be noisy and not be super open with my thoughts and feelings, which, in fact, are some of the most precious things to me. 

I can’t even explain myself. Don’t ask me about me and expect answers. I know I’m indecisive & stubborn. That, I can tell you. Other than that, I’m as clueless as you. 

I can’t let people know how I’m thinking, what I’m thinking. I have about 3-4 friends I can be completely open with and for that, I’m grateful. I love them with all my heart. Yet, it’s a struggle.

How can I let myself go, to everyone I get close to? It scares me to know that someone wants to go in my head and try to understand me, which I know they need a long time to. People have said it’s hard to get me. It terrifies me. 

It’s been about a year since I released my thoughts & feelings into words on here and there’s nothing better than this. 

I’m gonna end this year, writing, into 2018.

I have also been thinking of getting a buffalo journal but hey, it’s harder to hide a journal (a physical one!) from someone than a blog. If you haven’t gotten the idea, I’m still protective of my feelings & thoughts, they mean everything to me & I can’t just let them out yet. Side note, I’m also lazy. 

I needed a small outlet for my thoughts so I’m happy for it to be on here.

Till next time, 

M. 

New Year Resolutions?

When people make New Year resolutions, it makes me happy that they have goals they wanna fulfil.

Everyone needs to have a plan. Be it superficial like learning how to play a guitar or something else like learning to let people go when they don’t need you anymore.

None of your resolutions are easy. Otherwise, you would’ve already done it.

You feel that New Year is a time to set your goals and you’ll actually follow it. That’s really hard. I don’t know about you but I tend to stop halfway anyways.

The resolutions is just an excuse for me to feel satisfied. So trust me, you need to remind yourself of your goals every single day.

Don’t let your resolutions be pushed and before you know it, the year has ended.

You’re overthinking about a certain activity? Just get up and get it done. Work towards it whenever you can and even if the end of 2017 is far away, just keep going. You’ll get closer and you’ll even exceed your goal.

If it’s learning Hip Hop, be proactive. You wanna take classes? You need to pay for those? Do something, get some cash. Pay for it. Obviously legal stuff.

But c’mon, you can always learn by yourself. There’s Youtube and websites. Be independent and proactive. You need time and effort and to constantly remind yourself of your goals. Think about it.

I don’t have particular resolutions but I just tell myself to constantly grow and be a better person.

Importantly, think about how, every priority and decision you make, will affect your future. Big or small.

But I truly believe becoming an understanding and open-minded about most issues is how we all should be. In this era, with gender inequality, racism, cultural issues etc., this is important. Make this place a better place for everyone and not just you.

Think about how it can impact you and the people around you. It’s your life.

I’ve always wanted to learn to let go of people and things. And I’ve had a hard time. It’s not easy for me. I don’t forget, I never forget. I just try my best to focus on myself and the people and issues that matter. Keep reminding myself and by the end of the year, I’d already done that. No stopping there, this is a life resolution. But maybe I’ll just keep working to be a better me.

The moment you stop thinking about it, time is gone. And whatever change it is, it will be for the better.

Think about stepping into 2018? What do you wanna feel? What do you want to have achieved? You’ll never know when your opportunity at life is taken away, anything can happen anytime, every day is a chance.

Time isn’t always here. So use it.

Year